Musings: Why does the heart have such a long memory? (warning, if honesty makes you uncomfortable... well then you prob really need this! :P)

I prob need to sleep but I need to get some stuff out. Why does the heart have such a long memory? It seems that when it comes to letting go, that goes for the good and the bad, is super difficult. When I think of the heartache I experienced growing up, (having had to understand abandonment, and rejection better than I would have liked to admit at the time), it took me a good long while before thoughts of the people involved didn't bring up strong feelings of sadness, hurt, anger, and even hatred. Today I can say that I am free and I truly praise God for that, but it probably lasted longer than I would have chosen.

I am starting to realise that the same goes for the good memories and emotions. I am learning new things about myself everyday. Particularly in this season I am learning that I am not as tough as I think I am. I feel, and emote just as much as any girl, and though it may sound funny, it makes me highly uncomfortable. Lol I find it embarrassing to see the "feminine" side of me come out. Especially the irrational, emotional side. (This is a bunny trail, but bear with me. You've made it this far right? OK well I will tie it back soon I promise.) Because growing up I worked HARD to quench that side, to "feel" with my head, and not with my heart, which is really not feeling at all. I am still less emo than most girls I know, but I am seeing certain tendencies in me that are quite amusing to everyone else, and down right scary to me. :)

I know that the freedom I am gaining in my ability to come to terms with myself and express my innermost thoughts and feelings, is directly linked to letting go of the negative feelings I mentioned earlier. When I chose to forgive, let go, and trust God, I gained the freedom to walk into the fullness of what God created me to be as a young woman. Essentially God has been teaching me that it’s alright to feel, and emote, not only that it’s alright to be a girl!!!! (Go figure) Those characteristics he gave me are qualities, NOT hindrances and I am learning to become more comfortable and unapologetic for that which is sweet. This leads me to my original point. In gaining this emotional freedom, I have ventured into areas of my heart I didn't know existed. (I.e. I am capable of missing people now!! I know it sounds crazy, but that is a victory for me) and within that I have discovered that the same principle applies for good, positive feelings as do for the negative ones.

Attachment goes both ways I guess. It’s cool, and I kinda like it, though I probably won't admit it outright. :p Yet there is such a vulnerability involved. Though I understand, that to give and receive love is not a sign of weakness but a gift from God, it still remains true that in the mind's eye, this leaves you defenseless. And that is the way it should be. When my heart is revealed it is vulnerable to attack.

So this may sound irrational but I am just being honest: what is super frustrating is that the good stuff is even HARDER to get rid of than the bad. Its like God built the heart to remember, and it was designed for all the good things and blessings in life, but after the fall and sin entered the world, the nature of the heart remained but the circumstances changed. The heart was still meant to grow attached, and remember it just had more players in the game, so to speak.

"But Rose, why would you want to rid yourself of the good stuff anyway?"
Well, because, I am a coward, who is still working it out. I am free, and know that this is the better way to live, but part of me is still soo very aware of the stakes involved. I have forgiven, but there is still a tab in my book labeled "heartache", and one called "deception", and one called "abandonment". Now I am no longer defined by these experiences, but they whisper, in the back some days. What if? Are you sure you can trust them? Remember what happens that last time? They're gonna leave you hanging, just like your father. Just like your mother and the rest.

Hold off on the intervention. I know these are lies. I am just being honest. It’s that some days, I am tempted to let fear put me back into hiding. And I can begin to doubt, why I ever trusted God to put me here. Vulnerable to such an attack. And then I smarten up and recognise that though those files exist, they are no longer the biggest ones. "love" "acceptance" "redemption" "friendship" "hope" "joy" "peace" have become the play makers in my life and greatly over shadow the bad. Even in my past. (It IS better to have loved and lost) It's crazy how truth, and love in that truth changes your perspective. Even the ugly becomes beautiful under that lens.

Perfect love casts out all fear!!!!!!

I am reassured by the fact, that in His love, His mercy, and grace, I have been equipped to withstand the battle and come out on top!! Love does win! And I win everyday because of it. :) That is it now, I feel better. Just needed a reminder.

Now this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us first and sent His son as an atoning sacrifice for our sin.