Should be sleeping, and will be soon but I am recognising that if I do not process before bed I will do it anyway instead of falling asleep. :p
Ever pray one of those prayers like, "Make me more like you." "Search my heart, Lord. Take away anything that isn't from You" And then when He answers gawk at Him in surprise? Yea, I defs had one of those moments today. And even though, I wasn't wrong per se I recognised in my heart that my approach was not completely pure. And at the end of the day, to God, heart is EVERYTHING.
It is so about the journey with God.
Beacause in truth if it was merely about the destination, He would just zap us up to heaven the day we accepted Christ. Instead in His grace, and mercy, and unparalleled love, He chooses to refine me, and make me more like He created me to be. I am so glad my God is not a God of short cuts and half finished work. He promises in His word that He will complete what He started in me. (Phllipians 1:6)
I am just now starting to put the pieces together and connect the dots when it comes to this promise. All of those times alone in desperation before Him asking for more. Every time I sang out this prayer to Him in worship. Mold me, Make me like You, have Your way, I am Yours, Create in me a clean heart... etc (I could go on forever, but I must sleeop eventually) Those words like all my words have been seed, put in the ground that is my life, for over a decade now. And it took that long for Him to position me to the place where I could handle the fullness of my harvest could come in. Not because He didn't want me transformed yesterday or last year or the very first day I said "Have my life". But He knew it would take till now, for me to have the revelation, understanding, and trust relationship with Him through the Holy Spirit, to come out of this victorious.
Humility, courage, patience, and all these other things that make up "Character" are only found in the testing of your faith. (James1:2) And I am not just talking tragedy, though I know God uses it but I don't believe it in His nature to orchestrate it (Ask me about it ;p). I am talking in the little tests of life. How will you deal with pressure/misunderstanding/disagreement/being wronged. Do you respond or do you react? I am learning that being right means nothing, being righteous is where it is at. And these past few years, especially this last one have been character building to say the least. I have never stared at the mirror and seen so much ugliness in all my life.
Side note: relax I know I am still young but 24 yrs is still a long time. Its like the equivalent of approx one million showers, that is if it takes you ten minutes to shower. Or more precisely: 8,760 days, 210,240 hours, 12,614,400 minutes...side note to the side note: feel free to check the math, its late im tired, and SO not a math major. Repeat after me, Miii-nistry school! :P bahaha yes I AM a geek!
AND digressing...
It seems that every little blemish, in my heart has been appearing. Pride, selfishess, fear, hopelessness, lack of faith, judgement, and the list goes on. The beauty is that the mirror never changed, I am just able to see, and in seeing, I with the help of the Holy Spirit have been blotting them out one by one.
Don't get me wrong I am no where near done. I will never claim to have arrived. BUT I am overjoyed that He chooses to reveal my weaknesses to me. It reminds me thatin a world full of fakes, His love for me is real. (Proverbs 3:11-12) He loves me too much to leave me the way I came, and is gracious enough to walk me through my transformation. In my weakness He IS strong.
What blesses me ever more, is that though when I look into that mirror I see a self-righteous, arrogant, spoiled brat. He sees perfection. The finished work, in Christ's righteousness. By faith, through grace its already done. I am already made into God's righteousness!!!!!! And though He is in His full right to expose me to the world for what I am, He chooses not to. Whispers it in the secret of my heart. lovingly, slightly prodding, "You know better, don't you. O and btw, Princess, I love you!! Alot!! Don't forget it." :-D (Yup I am so my Daddy's little girl! lol don't hate) He allows me to see, and when I am grieved and broken by it, He lets me know that there is no need to beat myself up becasue He has already come by in my contriteness and removed the blemish.
And my response, is always, awe and wonder at how good He is to me. It produces humility ( I know I don't deserve His mercy and grace), gratitude, and love and adoration. Its in that place that I truly experience God's glory, in that secret place with Him, where I recognise, I am truly His beloved. And in that place, as He shines His light upon me. Nothing else matters. I recognise a few things (I shall prob end of this since I have class in less than 8 hours)
1. its so NOT about me.
2. He is SO SO SO SO good to me
3. its not about my being right, its about His righteousness in me
4. Humility comes at a price
5. Be careful what you pray, you just might get it
6.I am not as bad as I think I am, (my responses look more like Christ's everysay...:) That's winning! :p
7. God chooses not to see, once I choose to(oo thats soo good, but definitely for another day. maybe tomorrow!)
8. I answer to God, the one who keeps the books. lol
k well maybe more than just a few... But needless to say, I am blessed to know He isn't done with me. That in my imperfection I am perfect.
That is what I learned today.
side note: anyone else find it comical that we are harder on ourselves, then the Holy Majestic Creator of the Universe...? (Maybe its just me! lol)
Night!
(now less than 7 hours till class. Hooray for editing! Sad part is that the odds are I've stared at this screen so long I probably missed something anyway. Apologies, for my multiple closings. They say you can only reproduce disciples after yourself, and if you didn't know, my wonderful Pastor has a hard core case of "Multiple Close-itis" lol)
Night 4Real this time
In love and in Christ,
ME
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