My My: Reflections on a life gone too soon

My mom's youngest sister died when I was four. It was in some ways one of the most marking moments of my life, and most likely the lives of  my grandmother, mother and many of her siblings. I was too young to grasp it all, and my mom didn't take my brother and I to the funeral. But her life and death have followed me pretty much all of my life. I have spent my life gathering clues from anyone who was willing to talk about it with me, which isn't many people at all since it is never fun to talk about one's dirty laundry.

The long and short of this is, my aunt Marnelle, or Mamaille as they called her, lived with my family, had an affair with my father, and ultimately took her own life in my childhood home. My grandma never got over it, and as was mentioned in one of the speeches during her funeral, the loss of her youngest marked a turn in my grandmother's mental and emotional health that she never recovered from. As for the rest of my family, we never talk about it, my mom would tell me parts of the story since it was one of the events that led to my mother's divorce which has in one way or another made me who I am today.

The story always seemed kind of far fetched. The kind of stuff you see in movies. But nonetheless, one cold day in 1991, 3 days short of her 20th birthday my aunt left this world, but not my mind, for in some ways her story has haunted me my entire life. What was going through her mind that night? Did she really take her own life? Was someone else involved? I wonder where she is buried...

Most if not all my questions have and will remained unanswered as the only people who truly know are God and her, but my last one finally got answered a few weeks ago at my grandmother's funeral. It had been decided that they would be laid to rest in the same mausoleum. As I stood in this museum for the dead, one of my cousins pointed down the hall and told me where she lay. It was the one question I had since I had arrived, but I had no clue who to ask. The Lord heard my prayers I guess.

And after all these years, imagining, wondering what it would be like, the moment was pretty unremarkable. There one aisle over from her mother lay this woman that I never really knew. She was on the top shelf, so I just stood there looking like I was staring at the ceiling. Reading her name, and the numbers that represented her life over and over again, silently asking myself, and God, why it had been so important to see her. Maybe I just needed to see it with my own eyes, to bring the folklore into reality. Maybe I am simply naive and thought the moment would bring some sort of answer or revelation. But it didn't. She is still dead. I still don't quite know why and the answers are far beyond any mortal reach.

So I guess now I tuck her back into the crypt of my childhood, and take from her short life any lesson I can. Life isn't a guarantee. Every breath we take is truly a gift, one that should never be taken for granted. The actions we take in life, even those that only concern ourselves, always have an impact beyond what we think. That is in our lives and those around us, sometimes even for generations. When I think of the tragedy that is this story, I'm not mad. Who knows what she experienced, how she felt, what was thought or said. I am certain my father had no clue on his end that 23 years later I would be sitting here reflecting on choices he made...

Such is life. Maybe one day I will make sense of it all. Until then I hope I can live a life drenched in as much, grace, hope, and love as I can muster. I hope that I will be wise enough in my actions to leave a legacy behind that gives life and not destruction. And if I am not that wise, I pray that in God's mercy He will heed my prayer lead me as far away from temptation as possible. Cause if there is anything I have learned about life, it's that no one is a fortress, and everyone is susceptible to a fall.

I leave you with this piece I wrote a few years ago. It was inspired by my late aunt.
                                                                      

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"My My"

My my, watchu doin' now? 

My my, watchu thinkin' now? 

Now that you've joined the world of the dead 

Now that hearts were broken, tears were shed 

My my, oh my my 

My my, what drove you here to this bed? 

My my, What led you here to this end? 

Was it worth the price you paid? 

Was it worth the lives you slayed? 

My my, my my 

My my, just give me a reason. Why? 

My my, was it his lips, his eyes, his whispering lies, 

That drove you to bite the hand the fed you? 

Curse the home that housed you? 

My my, why o why? 

My my, can't you see clearly anymore? 

My my, hear you nothing but "you whore" 

Don't let yourself be decieved. 

he's a liar, a thief, a fiend. 

My my, he's not your friend 

My my, his voice will be your end 

My my, my my 

My my, couldn't you hear? 

My my, the Voice of truth drawing you near 

Telling you there was another way 

That you can live to see another day 

My my, I guess you couldn't, through the lies 

My my, I wish you did, to his surprise 

My my, you took your final breath that day 

My my, were the skies blue or were there clouds of grey? 

Were you alone, did you cry, did you scream? 

I know we were, we did, I'm sure she did. 

My my, I guess we'll never know 

My my, I guess now we let go 

My my 

My my, maybe its for the best 

My my, you keep these secrets laid to rest 

This sea, of strife, lies and deceit 

Has made its course, has met its Chief 

My my, I've said all I need to say 

Bye bye, I pray I'll see you another day 

My my, Bye bye, My my