Man of Sorrows! what a name
For the Son of God, who came
Ruined sinners to reclaim
Hallelujah! What a Savior!
Bearing shame and scoffing rude,
In my place condemned He stood
He sealed my pardon with His blood
Hallelujah! What a Savior!
Hallelujah! What a Savior, Ascend the Hill
I had a great time at church this morning. I went to Montreal for work this weekend and was able to join my friend Rebecca at Grace Montreal morning. If you are ever in the city I would totally encourage you to check it out. It was a sweet time with God's people, God was definitely there and He spoke to me today through worship, prayer and the word.
One of the songs we sang during service was Hallelujah! What a Savior. I had never heard it before, but as we sang the song the second verse stuck out to me. "Bearing shame and scoffing rude, in my place He stood" The Lord was starting to nudge me. And as worship continued, He pressed on, making His point to me in this rare moment of stillness.
Song after song, He spoke. I knew I was where I needed to be this morning. As we sang I was reminded of Hebrews 4:15; "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathise with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin." I looked it up and read on; "Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."I am good. I know your struggles. I know you heartache and fears. I have been where you are!! I know your name, I have heard your cries, there is freedom where my Spirit lies. Come to me. Let me partake in your burdens, let me heal your heart. Allow me to be your strength.
This hit home for me. Of late I had forgotten these truths. You see, April has been something else altogether. Coming into this month, I had realised that I needed to shift focuses in work and press in to support raising. It is something that for me has been a struggle, not from inability, but fear, insecurity, discomfort, pride and so much more. lol I'm awkward and overly independent so it is hard to embrace the concept of needing others to live. But I love my job and truly believe God has called me to MoveIn, so I decided to pick up my socks. But before I could truly make headway my mom had a stroke (her second) and my grandmother died less than 2 weeks later.
This stalled me and I have been forced to focus on family, and myself. Everyone has been really great about it and offered to help and care for me however they could. The ridiculous thing is that rather than being thankful and feeling blessed for all this love and concern, it made me angry. lol I know, it sounds silly. But I have unwittingly been angry and frustrated with my inability to fix the problems around me, and my inability to perform all the tasks I felt I should be doing. Rather than feeling surrounded and lifted up, I felt impotent, pitied, and burdensome. Essentially I was running in my own strength and irked by the fact the I needed to stop running and receive help.
It took a while to figure this all out. I am a pretty slow emotional processor, which combined with my aforementioned weaknesses makes for a special mix. So rather than come to the throne we are invited to in Hebrews 4 with my fear, hurts, insecurities, feelings and the like, I resist and insist on trying to carry it all myself. My pride kicks in to high gear and I put on my game face. I hustle harder, run faster, and ultimately drive a wedge between myself, God, and those around me.
Back to this morning... I was reminded that God Himself not only knew where I was at, but He experienced all of the things I am experiencing. He understands grief, fear, insecurity, family tensions, being misunderstood, being judged, being abandoned, rejected, feeling helpless, and watching the deterioration of relationships and lives. He has seen it all. What is so challenging is that His response isn't anything like mine. I fume, and lash out, I resist loneliness; self medicate with busyness, and avoid transparency, weakness, and interdependence like the plague. I instead choose to lock these feelings away, uncomfortable and unwilling to share and be known for fear of being seen as weak, pitied, looked down on or giving more ammunition to those who I believe are against me.
Then enters Jesus.
What a Saviour we have. He goes against the grain and instead embraces His accusers, He doesn't fight or defend Himself, although He has every right to. He lays down His needs, rights, and authority and looks to His Father. Christ, unlike me, secure enough in the Father and His place in God's Kingdom He does not fear the judgement of man. He who was in the beginning, was cursed, spat upon, bruised, falsely accused, dishonoured, disrespected, judged and humiliated and never lifted a finger in His own defense, never spoke an unkind word in response. He instead remained humble and let the haters hate. Knowing full well who He was, and who He answered to.
I am so humbled by this God I serve, His example and ability to love all of me. We had a time of stillness during service to confess and repent before the Father. He gently drew me near. I gave Him my heart and all of its complexities, and He took me in without a question, judgment or unkind word. In those moments I am reminded why I love Him so. He sees right through me and yet He loves me so. I pray that I will one day be the kind of person who like the apostles of old "boasts in my weakness" and embraces what I am not to the glory of my Father. I am thankful that God is more patient than I am. He probably chuckles, shakes His head at my carnal fits and then goes on to humble me, knowing I'll eventually quit resisting, and let Him do what He does best.
Be God.
So all this to say, I am not perfect, but I am being perfected by an awesome loving, patient, gracious, God who never grows weary of my ish. If I have pushed you away lately, I am sorry, I don't mean to reject your love and concern. I pray you would continue to have grace with me as I learn to trust, and to receive. Though I may regret this later, feel free to call out my pride (in love please :-p). It is toxic and so not who God has made me to be, and I should be aggressively smashing the idol of independence in my life, painful as it may be.
Pray for me. Oh how I need it.
Let me know how I can pray for you. It would be my honour.
And may we continue to press on towards the prize in the strength of our Maker and Saviour.
In His love and His grace,
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