When I am weak...

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

James 1:2-4

 

I broke down yesterday.

Sitting alone at my kitchen table, while most of the world was working.

I wept. Straight up ugly cried.

I cried for my mother. Her state of helplessness and need. Her inability to communicate her desires and needs to the world. I cried for her sighs, loaded with so much meaning and weight.  I cried for myself. I cried because even my best efforts seem to come up fruitless in this scenario. I can't seem fix a single thing and with every perceived step forward comes a new dilemma. I cried out of frustration and hopelessness at a situation I could no longer see past. I simply didn't know what to do. And so, lacking the words and the means to make anything in my life better at the moment, I wept.

Then I baked. Bread, to be more specific. I lead prayer last night, and decided in that moment that we were going to have communion.

We did.

It was glorious.

I cried some more. This time with some of my favourite people, in the presence of a Father who knows all too well my feelings of loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness, and heart ache.

Truth be told, life still sucks. My mom is still sick and probably not getting better. I still have absolutely no idea where she is going to live. I am still scared, unsure, and out of options. But in the midst of all that I am thankful for a God who is real, present, and involved in the inner workings of His creation.

Yesterday, I chose to come to Him in my brokeness. He responded with love, hope, and loving reassurance that He is still God, and still in charge. That is so comforting. Over the last 3 months life has thrown me more curve balls than I ever thought it could throw at once. It has stripped me of my perceived independence, and the luxury of pride. I have never felt so close to the end of myself, and yet my instinct is still to soldier on as if I have what it takes to carry these burdens.

I have felt the need to stay strong because in my eyes the alternative is not practical, or helpful. Forgetting that my weakness is where God demonstrates His strength. In my anguish, that is where He comes and comforts. In my hopelessness that is where He opens my eyes to His hope. In my brokeness, that is where He puts me back together. In my sadness, that is where He fills me with His joy. In my helplessness, there He leads and guides by His light. In my heart break, He gently mends with His love. In my loneliness, He wraps me in His presence. In my questioning and fear, He pours out His peace.

That He did. As I sat reading His word, He reminded me that there is no shame in my fears, or in my doubts. His shoulders are big enough to carry even the biggest of my burdens. He spoke as tears fell down my face, and breathed life into my weary soul:

When have I ever failed you? When have I forgotten? I am the Lord. I am your God. I am Him who has been faithful throughout the generations. 'Lo, I am with you always and to the end of the age.'

So as I sit here in the dark of the night, I know that morning will bring with it the sun and another day to praise God for His blessings. I know that I don't have the answers, and that is okay. I know that I am blessed, maybe not by some people's standards, but most definitely by God's. For I have the privilege to know Him, abide in Him and He in me.

 

Blessed are the poor in spirit... 

Blessed are those who mourn...

 

For those reasons alone, I have plenty to sing praise for. Even in the depths of trial. For it all brings me to the realisation of how much I need God, which in turn propels me to lay myself down in exchange for more of Him. In light of these truths, as difficult as it is most days, I can be thankful. Knowing that as I embrace my weakness in hardship, I also welcome God in, in His strength. And truly, what more could I ask for?

This song still rings so true.