Went to a wedding today, two friends who have been together since high school got married. It was cool, simple, but sweet. Different from the weddings I am used to in some ways, especially since not everyone involved was a Christian. But there is something that stuck out today, that gets me every time I attend a wedding.
Probably one of the nicest parts of a typical wedding reception is simultaneously the hardest part for me to sit through. The parent's speeches. On one side it blesses my heart to hear mothers gush and hold back tears, and fathers give advice to the new husband on how to walk out this new role he is embarking on. And on the flip side, it saddens me. Cause it reminds me of what I most likely not have should I marry one day.
Growing up I always knew that my father wouldn't be there if I ever got married. I would ponder on whether or not my mom would walk me down the aisle or give me away. With the last few years and shifts in relationships I have come to realise that if I got married in the next year, or so, I am not even sure if my own mother would come. And though most people find the thought preposterous, it’s really not that far fetched. And if she did come, it would probably be more for appearances.
I couldn't see her giving a speech about me and my future. We don't even know each other anymore. Small talk is worse than pulling teeth. And this thought pops up every time I sit through a wedding reception. Quite honestly, it hurts. It makes what is a joyful occasion, somewhat bitter sweet for me. I know that God is able to do anything. (And I am not in a hurry to get married or not really anywhere near the reality in my life. So time could work out for my benefit in this situation.) Yet it remains that currently the people in my life that matter most aren't the ones that, in theory, should matter the most. Those who know me best and share most of my life with me aren't related to me at all. At least not genetically.
This is probably part of the reason why I silently long to elope when I cross that season of my life. It would allow me to enjoy the occasion without exposing the dysfunction that is my family life...
Maybe that is selfish, and slightly immature of me. And in reality I wouldn't actually do it, but the thought does cross my mind.
Its tough because, I feel that for most of my family, coming to my wedding would be more duty than anything else. It would be a live excercise in culture, honour, and pride. Don’t get me wrong, they are good people, we just don’t have relationship. Most of them I can count our encounters on one hand, maybe two. And I know that as a believer my job is to lift up my family and speak in faith what I cannot see. But the problem is I can’t even concieve it to be able to speak it. Even in my imagination I can’t picture my extended family together in a healthy relational context. So how do I speak something that in reality I don’t even truly have faith for? I desire it, if I didn’t these questions wouldn’t arise. But the reality is I can’t see it.
The beauty of the truth in this matter is that God sees past what I can’t. And I guess that’s all that matters.
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