This is turning out to be quite long. I will have to put into parts. (stay tuned for parts 2 and 3)
Its been a while since I've blogged. Probably cause its been a while since I have truly stopped to look my self in the mirror and take inventory. I have found over the years that for me, I am always most honest, vulnerable, and transparent when writing. Which means that in seasons, when I am overly busy, or simply avoiding myself, I write less. For this young poet, writer's block isn't the greatest enemy, its fear, dishonesty, and lack of introspection. So here I sit this warm July night, facing this familiar page, typing.
Israel Houghton's raspy tenor is sweetly reminding me of the beauty of love, in what can be considered a dark, dark world. I sit humbled, and slightly unsure. Where does one start when there is so much? I guess I can start with my day. Took some girls from my youth group out to the beach to share their faith today. We were hoping for a bigger group, but I think God knew who was supposed to be there. We had a time of training, and sharing about evangelism and its many aspects. We closed in prayer. It was sweet. I felt the Holy Spirit say that we should confess any sin before we left. Not just to Him but to each other. (This is where the small intimate group came in handy) James exhorts us to do so in James:5:16 and I truly believe this is a practice that is sorely lacked in our times.
"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." James 5:16
I knew right away what I was to confess. And tonight I guess, I am going to confess to the rest of the universe as well.
I have been avoiding God.
To some this may not sound too drastic. But as a spiritual leader, mentor, human being and mostly child of God, this is drastic. How does one continue to have a relationship with someone and simultaneously disengage? Now I have not lost my faith, or stopped speaking to Him. He is still real and speaking to me and as awesome as He has always been. I am just not experiencing the fullness of it because there are areas in my life I have chosen to keep Him out of. The aftermath, is that it has tainted all the other areas of our relationship. To top it off, because we have become so intertwined, my avoidance of God, means avoidance of myself. In choosing to keep God out, I have alienated myself, because it is in Him that I find me. Funny how that works? What starts out as a defense mechanism, a form of self preservation, becomes the Trojan horse that fuels the war. Funny the games we play. Such foolishness, and yet here I am living it out.
Why Rose? Why avoid the Lover of your soul, your best friend, and confidant? Why risk losing yourself in the process?
I guess this boils down to one thing. Fear.
I am becoming more and more aware of who God has made me to be, simultaneously I am learning who i desire to be. Some of those definitions match up, and others, just don't. (At least right now they don't.) This has left me battling from within. I know what I am sensing in the Spirit, and yet I am resisting for fear of where the impact of following that leading will bring me. Most of it has to do with my future and what I am to do with the next season, and ultimately the rest of my life.
I believe that I have been called to ministry, though that is super broad. I guess I am having trouble seeing all the pieces of me fit in what I sometimes perceive as being a narrow view of ministry. I am finding myself in a war unable to choose sides. My passions, giftings, callings, responsibilities, loyalties, and the expectations of those around me. (at least what I perceive their expectations to be) All this has been slowly building for a while, and I guess I now finally choosing to sit down and sift through the wreckage.
Essentially I have to face my fears.
*losing myself
*being too comfortable
*conformity
*success
*failure
*the future
*not having an impact (its true may as well admit it)
And start believing what I preach, understanding that I wasn't given a Spirit of fear, and allowing the power of the Spirit, love of Christ, and sound mind I've been given do their work. (2 Tim 1:7)
It is difficult, because in facing these realities, I am admitting my weakness and most likely shining light on areas of myself that down right suck. I know I am most likely wrong about a few things, you can't always be right. But these are the fears, questions, battles I carry on a regular basis. This is my life, behind closed doors when I am alone with my thoughts, and my guard is down. I am attempting to be as honest as possible, which may come off tactless at times, but I am willing to go there. Cause for real? I NEED it. Can't keep circling these mountains forever. And maybe I need to be set straight. Feel free, only a fool resists good counsel, and "momma didn't raise no fool!" lol
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