So its about 2:10 am on this day the fifth of June, 2011. Its a Sunday, I am leading worship in about eight hours. I have been up for a little less than 24, 16 to be exact, and I should definitely be sleeping. My contacts are being rejected with every moment that passes, but I press on. I press on because I feel burderned and the need to unload. I guess this has become one of the ways I do that. Oh and its also my birthday. Today I turn 24. This means that 24 years ago, in a hospital in west Edmonton, my mother and father finally saw their dream come to pass. At approx 4:43 in the afternoon, I was born. After three tries, it finally happened. And today is the day that every year we commemorate that moment, those instants where love, hope, expectancy, a miracle and the Divine coincided to make me.
And in 24 years alot has come and gone. Leaving me here today, sitting in a darkened basement typing words onto a screen that in all honesty may never be read. Though I am sure they will, there is no guarantee. It is now 2:16 and I don't know where to begin, though my body, and the awareness that I have something pretty important to do in the morning that requires my full focus and energy urges me to stop doddling and get on with my reason for being here.
Essentially why do I feel burdened? This is a happy day, I've been looking forward to it all week. And having arrived here, I am saddened, and teary eyed. Nothing new for me. These days I feel like my level of emotional wreckedness is worse than, an angsty teen, hormonal girl, and drunk combined. Let's just say I've been pretty emo lately. (And no not in the slit your wrist to feel kinda way) My Spirit seemed grieved and it just won't go away. I am not sure if I can completey peg it, but there is definitely something I am missing in all of this that we call life. And I think somewhere in me, I know its time to stop pussyfooting with my heart, and hear its cry. Hear the wailing of a generation, motherless, fatherless, and with out hope, Time for me to heed to the call of the homeless man drunk and passed out in the stairwell of a parking garage. To stop and see my world as it is. Beautiful. Full of potential. But desperate for something that I have to give. And this is not in a prideful way at all. I recognise that outside of Chist I am absolutely nothing. That being said there is this nagging voice in me whispering, knocking, pulling at my heartstrings saying "there is more, there is more, there is more. Don't stop here, there is more"
2:26 Cory Asbury lulls my spirit into peace. (Yeah I am pretty sure peace can be a place, digressing)
Having almost reached the milestone of quarter of century walking the rock we call home. I ask myself what does my life stand for, and am I proud of the song my life sings? And for the most part, I am. But there are parts of me that reek with the stench of compromise, drip with timidity, and bathe in comfort. Those parts of my life, I can only look at with disgust, and say God, when will I get past myself and get to myslef? lol Its not a riddle, we are all our own worst enemy. I don't need Lex Luther, I've got me! 2:36 and I can't end here so I press on. (Sleep I am coming promise)
I want love to be my calling card. All the time, not merely when its easy or suits my needs. I desire to radiate peace, hope, and joy from my pores. I want to spend a period of my life sleeping on the street, to better understand my fellow man, and gain a true appreciation for all I have. I don't wat to see people hungry without a home. I don't want to have to pray for the potentially pregnant single female in her teens. I don't want to have to pray against STIs/STDs in anyone I love ever again. I don't want to have to wonder if I could get jumped or raped walking home late at night. I don't want to see a world riddled with ritalin. Drowning in depression, stifled in expression crying out to be heard. I want to see children be KIDS not minature grown ups! I want to see a generation restored in their innocence, and blissfully free. I want to see a wworld where life counts, and eradicating an entire people group is actually a crime and despised, not just the issue of sematics and politics.
I could go on. 2:43 the clock tells me that I can't. I was asked earlier this week what I wanted for my birthday, the above would be a good start. :p I know it sounds like utopia, and probably seems completely unreachable to the human eye. Well praise God I don't see life through my own eyes, but I see through Him. That being said, I pray that this upcoming year be marked by the fulfillment of some of these realities, in my life, that of my sphere of influence, and beyond. I guess Ill begin with living love. Cause let's be real, that's pretty much the starting point of it all. In love, selfishness, and greed can't stay. Fear is put at bay, and hope always reigns.
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Dear Lord, break down walls in the way only You can. Draw me closer, that I would draw further from myself, and closer to others. Thats what You came and lived for, let that be the mark of my life. Keep me from spending too much time looking inwards, but always looking out, not only past myself, but past the trappings of this life and culture, no matter what title it carries. (I am becoming more and more aware that the title "Christian" in front of something, doesn't make it Godly, holy or Christ like.) May I hear you clearer with every passing day, and may Your reality be the only I see. Let my heart continue to beat in sync with Yours, no matter how it hurts, or breks me. NO matter the tears I cry, or my mournfull sigh. Never let me forget, who You are, what You've done, and where You are taking me. Never let me forget my purpose and call to know You, and may I never lose sight of how that is meant to influence how I live. I care not for riches, or poverty on this earth, and this is not for fear of losing my love for You, but in understanding that gold, silver, accolades, self pity, man's praise and hatred all fall under the same category in eternity. Rubbish. (I would use stronger language if I could, but Lord You know my heart. lol #fullcircle) Daddy, continue to soften my heart, and open my eyes, that I may see the TRUE prize. I love You, and so desperately need morre of You in my everyday. May all of You encompass all of me.
Your beautiful, cherished, loved, redeemed, delightul, precious, warrior princess,
Me
June,5th,2011 3:04
G'night
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