A Little Bit of Vulnerability, A Little Bit of Poetry, A Whole Lot of Me: #ThisDream

Told my Uber driver the other day I've never had a boyfriend. His response made me laugh so much. He essentially called me a liar and expressed his disbelief in his own colourful way. I kinda get a kick out of it sometimes. Being 27 and single is not such a shock to most, but having never really been on a date makes people puzzled or incredulous. And I don't mind. For the most part it makes sense to me. I look back at my younger years and I see how I could have been a cold, selfish, vindictive, hurtful, toxic person to be with. And if I am honest I spent most of my childhood and young adulthood seeing marriage like a duty, a rite of passage of sorts. Something that I have to do when I become a grown up. Not something to look forward to, find joy in or desire. 

I am thankful for all that God has done in my heart and my life. He has changed so much of my perspective and worldview when it comes to dating, relationships and marriage. If He so wills it, I look forward to one day meeting someone great, saying I do, and founding a family on the Gospel that I will love, serve, and fight for till He returns or takes me home.

That being said, that is all theory. I realise that not only is tomorrow not promised, but what happens tomorrow cannot be guaranteed. Most days I am really content in my singleness. I have the blessing of so many people in my life who are like family to me. The love me, support me, pray for me, challenge me, look out for me, pick me up or call me out when necessary. If you asked me on a normal day if I desired a relationship, I would say I am open to it, but not necessarily looking. I am really enjoying life right now, I am building things that I have only dreamed of, accomplishing goals, meeting people, seeing the world (literally and figuratively) in amazing new ways.

But there are days when I allow myself the chance to sit back and take stock of my life and all that it entails, that I realise that there is this spot in my heart that longs for companionship, commitment, and intimacy beyond what I have. A part of me that longs to build a home, a family in contrast to the one I was raised in. To redeem a line so full of pain, shame and brokenness only God could heal it, Those are moments my strong, independent, 21st century woman self doesn't like to talk about. The thoughts I am scared to share. Because I realise that to desire such things is to risk not seeing them fulfilled or worst to get it only to have it be a lie (that was my family's story. Ask me about it some day. (-:)

Today is one of those days. These are the fears I dare not share. I wrote something earlier that I was just planning on keeping in my notepad. I thought about posting it and decided against it. Then I heard this voice say, "Why can you share about your anger, and frustration, joy and excitement but not your fears?" So since I called myself out, and no one likes to be called a coward even when the person doing the calling out is yourself. So here it is. It is pretty raw, as I haven't edited it yet. lol It makes me nervous even as I go to copy and paste it here. But these are the moments that I think will make me a better person, communicator, and writer. Especially as I desire to write things that are true.

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This Dream

Sometimes I wonder when I'm alone with my thoughts. 

When I allow myself a brief moment of normalcy, of honesty, if you really exist. 

Are you a mere creation of my mind and longing heart? 

Have I held on too long? Hoped for too much? 

Will I ever meet one who challenges my mind, soul and spirit?

Who knows how to laugh and lighten my load? 

One who will run with me, not for or in spite of. 

Will I meet the one who'll see my scars as the testimony that they are. 

The strength that they've become? 

Will I meet the one who'll be able to read my silence as being as beautiful as my voice. 

No matter how loud it gets. 

Is there one who'll see my passion as a gift and not a fire to put out, not something to be tamed? 

Will I meet the one who will know all, see all and still stand by and stay.

Stand on the wall of my heart and swear none shall pass. 

Be my defender, my partner in crime, my companion and my forever. 

One can hope. 

And one can dream. 

But I pray that one day this dream I will breathe. 

This dream I will see.